Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

A Tribute
May 28, 2017



Wendy never really understood this world. Somehow it escaped her. She was always trying to accept what she couldn’t decipher.

From her early age on, she was different. It wasn’t just her choice of clothes or her haircut, it was how she expressed what she came into contact with. Probably the one gift she was given to share with the world, she missed out on, but only because she couldn’t understand why it was given to her. It was such a mesmerizing voice when in song.

At the age of six she became very ill one day. During those days, doctors would make house visits. Many unanswered calls and a no-show from the doctor left her with a final scream and then, pale white and limp on the sofa. Mom and us kids carried her unresponsive body to the car and mom drove her to emergency. Many hours later, mom returned, worn out and distraught. Wendy’s appendix had burst and because of complications and blood transfusions, she would be hospital bound for over a month. She was never really the same after that episode. It was surmised much later in her life that one of those transfusions was tainted and gave her an ailment which she fought for the rest of her life.

She did have happy times and relationships and she was loved. These all faded with time and lately, in her last days there seemed to be a hidden message in the letters she sent me and a look that reminded me of when I visit my mother-in-law at the nursing home. The look and feeling  that says “Someone hold me”, “Someone help me”, “Someone love me”.

The circumstances surrounding her death are still under investigation. There is a video tape of her outside her apartment at 11:00pm taking all of her clothes off  and reports of a naked woman running around the complex. Somewhere between then and early morning when a jogger found her body in the nearby stream, no one knows what happened. She had been on new medications and maybe there was an adverse reaction. Yesterday, the coroner and detectives were with my other sister who lives next door to Wendy in the same building. Until the autopsy and toxicology reports are back we won’t know what truly happened. They said this could take up to two weeks. Her apartment has been sealed until they establish the cause of death.

Deep down, I feel this was Wendy’s freedom call. As sad and as hurt as I feel, I am also happy for her freedom from pain.

On the patio this morning as I listened to the birds, all of a sudden there came a complete silence. This moment is for you Wendy. If I never said it enough while you were here, “I love you”.


Two Words
March 21, 2017


“Help me”!

I was standing next to the nurses station as I turned to look from where the words came. Behind me, leaning against the corner stood a tall woman. With a stylish haircut and pajamas covered by a bath robe, she stared into my eyes with such deep penetration and pain, I could feel it in my stomach. That accompanied by the sound she used to convey her pain made everyone around the room, look in her direction. A nurse immediately went and placed her in a wheel chair.

My husband and I were here to admit his mother into a skilled nursing facility. For the past eight years, until this time she had been living with us. Recently diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer’s and the difficulty we’d been experiencing in keeping her safe and healthy, her doctor had recommended we place her under nursing care.

The decision had been fractious and frustrating. Much more personally for my husband. We admitted that the past few years with her had been much more difficult than when she first moved in with us. Unable to accept any guidance from us, she became increasingly angry, resistant to help and now, distant, to the point where she shut us out of her room daily except for meals and her multiple cups of tea. Coupled with her lapses in memory, anorexia issues, and habitual nervous rubbing of her face and hands, we felt challenged constantly. We would wake up each day and wonder what complexities we would face. She was not happy and we were not happy.

The nurses at the facility arranged for a smooth transition from us admitting her, out of sight, and getting her acquainted with her room and surroundings. At an appropriate time, the nurses asked us to leave, and to entrust the rest to them.

I’m sure, that all aspects of this transition with everyone involved brought many emotions to the forefront. We experienced depression, guilt, loss and they are ongoing and will be for a while. I’m sure the mother experienced similar, along with anger, frustration and even hate.

Reflections of our lives and what brought us to this point are universal in nature. Somewhere in each of us there is a part of us that is crying out.

“Help me”!.


Beginning of………
February 3, 2017


Fear without Knowing
January 21, 2017



So, I’m coming around the corner to go to the boy’s room and there are two people waiting in line. The first person is standing  about four feet from the restroom doors. The second person is standing sixteen feet from the restroom doors. A line is forming, but neither of these two people move forward to take up the distance in the line.

What keeps them from moving forward?

Is this a sign of the times?

Is their fear of moving forward greater than their need to release?

One person comes out of the left side restroom and the first person takes his place. But, the second person in line refuses to move forward, even though the line behind him is forming quickly and reaching out the exit doors of the building. Finally, the second restroom becomes available and the person ahead of me moves to take his position inside the restroom. I immediately take up the lax in space of close to twenty feet and wait for the next restroom to become available.

If fear is this obvious in a nondescript environment, what does it say about the county under Trump?

Are we going to be governed by our small but innate fear of ‘not knowing’, or fear of ‘who we are’ as a replacement for I AM?

Move forward! Take a stand! Be who you were meant to BE!

Homeless……..part 3
January 16, 2017


Since I couldn’t afford rent and utilities, I gathered up the few possessions I had and moved them into the basement office of Beans and Barley. I was homeless. I didn’t want to admit failure to my family or friends, so I said nothing about my move.

Thankfully, the restaurant had some resources I could use. The staff room was equipped with a washer and dryer (we did our own linens) and a shower. As for storing my clothes and belongings, I came up with an inventive plan to keep them out of sight. Underneath the front stairway which led to the public restrooms, there was an access panel for the underbelly of the stairs.

The front part of the restaurant was heated by hot water radiators which were part of the main building boiler system. During construction it was determined that there wasn’t enough flow to the radiators to provide heat in our area, so a booster pump was installed to push the hot water through our system. The pump and its manual switch were located underneath the front stairway. The pump had to be turned on every winter. This area would be my new closet. I placed clothes hooks on each of the stairs and hung my clothes there. My sleeping bag and pillow fit nicely also. Each night, after the staff had left, ( I would leave with them and walk around the block and then come back), I unscrewed the panel, took my sleeping bag and pillow, set it on the floor of the office and went to sleep. In the morning, I would put everything back and re-screw the panel back in place. The staff always wondered how I beat them to work every day.

I lived like this for a couple of years. The good part was that I learned lots. Eighteen hour days became the norm and I put my heart and soul into the place. There were still bad periods before things began to turn around. Creditors called at all hours and it was difficult to do cooking when the phone never stopped ringing. One day it was so bad, I called the phone company and had the phone removed, (phones weren’t un-pluggable at this time) and a pay phone put in, which had an unlisted number. Finally, some peace! I could still call out when necessary, but I stopped being harassed.

Strangely enough, this action helped the business. It alluded to customers that we didn’t need a phone for business. It made us more popular. This, plus the fact that the food and service was immensely improved put the restaurant on the road to recovery.

By the way, I paid off the loan before it’s due date and never missed a payment.


A Rock
December 3, 2016



A rock is obtuse. It lacks the ability to discern insight, therefore it is solid in its makeup. It blends in with its surroundings, but in reality it is just ‘there’. It gives nothing. But, it takes something.

It takes space and the ability to absorb energy. Energy it absorbs is never given back in equal amounts of what is taken. On the contrary, it takes and takes and takes. Weather it is sunlight, air, or any energy, it sucks it from it’s source.

The purpose behind a rock is to reassure humanity that there is stability. An anchor for its inequality. A rock is a rock is a rock.

If you meditate on ‘rock’ you will find a deep, deep sense of solidness and anchoring. It will scare you with its depth.

How then does a human turn into a ‘rock’?

Probably, lack of love.

Give and take.

On both sides.



August 31, 2016


He’s here for a short stay. She knows him and seems like she is looking forward to the change. We will be leaving for a short sojourn of five days. He will be taking care of her.

We all like change when it looks like we’ll get what we want. Otherwise it’s painful and unwanted. It seems this change for her is “her escape”.

I’m listening to her conversation with the guest. She says ” I like to eat different things, not the same thing every day. The meals should be small. I don’t like to eat too much. I’m eighty pounds and that’s my perfect weight”.

It reveals, that as we suspected, she in her mind, feels that eighty pounds for her five foot one frame is a good weight. She would be blown away in a ten mile per hour wind, and if she turned sideways, she’d almost disappear.

Her mindset is like Fort Knox. Inflexible and like steel.

All these years I’ve fed her every morning, noon and night, varying her menu so she wouldn’t get bored with the food. Bending over backwards to accommodate every whim and wish, only to discover it all meant nothing to her. She could care-a-less. She is only interested in maintaining some illusional weight configuration in her mind that , as she sees, is perfect. I may as well be serving her ice cubes.

So after the sojourn, maybe when I return to her care taking, her meal will be a grain of rice, or a trip to Syria.

Nothing like contrast to bring a person to their senses.

April 9, 2016

Breathing life without a ‘knowing’.

Pretending to be human, but in reality being numb.

Numb to feeling.

Numb to reality. It’s all around us.

Numb to caring.

Strife, war, disease. Unconscious to the reality of this.

What is wrong with us?

What has Humanity come to?

I can see why Armageddon is coming.

It’s about time!





March 8, 2016


gosia janik’s

I’ve always likened life to a spinning vortex. Much like a tornado. With birth, we’re trust upon an already moving stream of activity and volatile forces. We’re cradled for a while, but then we’re left to our own devices and means to navigate upwards towards some light, or, we succumb to the downward pressure and are eventually swallowed up by the darkness. The journey can be mild to wild. It depends on our selection of choices from moment to moment. During this entire time, and to make matters worse, we age. There’s a finite time limit to what we can learn or accomplish. Any time we choose to stop participating while still in the vortex, leaves us at the mercy of any numerous unknown forces. Our fate left unknown, unless we continue to shape and govern our lives.

Some people check out of the main stream by using governments to subsidise their living, while still taking up space here. Others reach an age when they feel they’ve contributed enough and they bow out also. Others lack caring or just want an easy way to experience life. In all of these cases they may feel the forces to deal with day-to-day living are too overwhelming. I call this cocooning. Much like the caterpillar, they wrap themselves in a protective shield of their beliefs and wait until they’re reborn as something more beautiful. What I question is the timing? What determines when this process should begin? I do know one thing. When the mental choice is made, the deterioration begins to take hold at an accelerated rate. I’ve seen people age over night and show an age greater than they are. At this point, there is more taking than giving. And, as the day is long, once they stop giving, they cut off the source from love and slowly but surely suffocate their life force under a self-imposed close mindedness.

This is not to mean that people don’t deserve a rest after a long and fruitful life, but you must sustain some purpose for your existence here. Do the things you love, but don’t stop giving. On an earlier blog called The Gift, I mentioned how the performers of the Palm Springs Follies are still enjoying their lives and contributing far past when they should be. As is someone like Betty White. These are examples to follow and hold dear. There is always something new to learn and always something you have that you can contribute.

Break free from the cocoon and really become something beautiful.

March 7, 2016


It’s difficult to feel ‘up’ all the time. Everyday life keeps us so mind ridden, we forget who we really are. It’s important to ‘let go’ sometimes. The easiest way to do this is to change your thoughts. Afterall, it’s your thoughts that took you to where you are now.

A friend told me during his exercise routine, he forgets the exercise and mentally goes to the Bahamas.

In mundane tasks, a mental trip can be all you need to ‘escape’.

It’s like you’re in a whole new world.

Still lost, but free.

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