Archive for March, 2011

Tonight’s Observations
March 11, 2011

He’s older than I, he’s younger than anyone I see. Older says “ya, ya, ya”, every time I’m describing something. Kinda annoying. Younger is vibrant, full of life, muslim, drinking , gay and eating a bacon cheeseburger, in a gay bar. Wow! What did he overcome from his beliefs and dogma. See….there’s hope for all of us.

She looks tired, worn out, but ever so pleasant. She checks with us to make sure we ordered the correct item off the menu. We never order the selection that we chose tonight. Everything is okay. We want Mongolian beef. Overall, her heart operation went well and she is gaining strength and more sleep time.

There’s only a single seat at the bar, and it’s at the very end. Not really a good seat, but we take it anyways. I give it to Eberhard. It’s not too long before three seats open up closer to the vibe. One person beats me there and takes the middle seat. I ask him if he wouldn’t mind moving one seat over so that both Eberhard and I can sit there also. He moves. Reluctantly. I thank him. He seems distant. I try to make conversation, but he shoots me down each time. His vibe is like a lemon tree sucking the juice from its own lemons, to survive. I, unfortunately, sit next to him until I leave for the evening. Eberhard and I sing and chat and enjoy the show tunes. Terry stops by and buys us a drink. We all cheer. Later, and what a surprise, Garrett stops by. How nice. We exchange pleasantries. He can’t stay long and leaves. Nice highlight.

I stop by the dance bar. I watch two youths dancing. It comes to me, as I’m watching them…they can do it, but they don’t know it. Old, knows it, but they can’t do it any longer…..most of the time.


I dance a couple of songs. Then I head out.

I’m walking home. The scent of lemon blossoms fills the air. I pass a vacant lot and the temperature dips, but there is a fresh smell of earth and everything wholesome and pure. The pavement changes to rocks and my footing feels insecure. I’m back on pavement and almost home. A car slows and looks at me. What does he want? Not me apparently. He speeds off.

What do you notice when you go out?


March 11, 2011

The feelings we have and express, are a mirror image we give to the world. It starts with us. If we want the world to express beauty and love, we have to feel it in ourselves first. As we express it outwardly, so will the world change.

March 10, 2011

We all want something. Even the ego. The ego is there to stop death. It may not be physical death, although that is an inevitable reality, its death of a feeling, a system, a routine, a rhythm, or a want. It’s change we don’t want. The ego is there to make sure nothing dies. If it dies, so does the ego. That’s why we go day-to-day dodging this and dodging that. Or, keeping the status quo.

In Libya right now ego’s are fighting for their wants. On both sides. Emotions have reached a height where it has created war. There is resistance to change from Gaddafi, and resistance to Gaddafi from the rebels, for not changing. Where will it end. The usual. When the egos are subjugated and getting what they want, from whomever, there will be peace.

It’s unfortunate that suffering has to be the result of wanting.

Color Your World
March 9, 2011

It’s 5:00am. Today I start my change. I turn on the TV to Public Broadcasting. It has a program on about photography. I watch for a half hour as the guide takes his photos through Arizona and parts of Utah. Not only is it beautiful, but I learned something about light, shadow, composition. As a matter of fact it reminded me of how I used these same placements on a plate of food when I cooked in my restaurant. I drank a cup of coffee while watching this. It’s the only cup I have each day.

Well, it’s now or never I thought. I got up and climbed on the exercise bike. Switched channels to the local news and biked for a half hour. I could feel my legs when I was done and I was sweating heavily from my head and body. I switched channels to BBC news at 6:00am to catch the world news.  I haven’t exercised in quite some time, so I’m beginning slowly, so my body does not go into complete shock. My mind is already in shock. I did fifty wall push-ups (actually did it against the kitchen counter). I don’t think my arms have the strength to hold my whole weight. Then I did thirty crunches, followed by stretches, front, back and side leg lifts. I remembered a few exercises I use to do when I was younger. More like a yoga exercise. I used them also. Butt clenches with one leg forward and hold the core stomach tight….ten each leg, for a count of fifteen seconds. Side crunches to get rid of the spare tire…twenty each side, overhead lifts….thirty each arm. Total time twenty minutes.

I turned off the TV and did last night’s dishes, made the bed and began my morning clean-up for work. With the noise off I was able to concentrate on doing a visualization of breathing in and out of my heart, while picturing it as a giant golden sun. All the while shaving, brushing teeth and showering. Dressed, shut down the apartment and got in the car for work. Turned off the car radio and concentrated, while driving, on my breath, to a constant repetitive phrase of ‘I am light’, till I got to work.

At work, I opened the office with its usual rituals. Lights, computer, blinds and downloaded emails from last evening. Went to the kitchen and gave instructions for restocking, prep and making up stock items. Asked if they had any questions or concerns, and answered them. Got a cup of tea and ate a hard-boiled egg.

Back in the office. I respond to emails, type up the new orders that came in, turn on the second computer to do invoicing from yesterday and call clients on yesterday’s orders to see how everything went. Process invoices, credit cards, quickbooks and review supervisor sheets. Van #1 needs wiring review. No power to lights in back. Van #4 is ready for tire rotation and oil change. We send Van#4 in for service. Review with supervisors any discrepancies on orders and procedures from yesterday. Compliments where necessary. Post Weekly Specials for next week and email to all clients. Post pricing from latest purchases into our control software and review prices and effect on our menu pricing. Handle phones and emails, type new orders, trip to post office and that brings us to 12:00 noon.

For lunch I eat a single chicken drumstick, mixed green salad with a tablespoon of dressing, and drink a Perrier. The next hour I devote to current clients. Give them a call and touch base and see if I can increase any sales from them. The rest of the afternoon was spent in answering phones, doing proposals for clients, checking supplies, taking out materials for tomorrows orders that I had just received, and phoning back one friend in Canada, who I couldn’t talk to when he called.

I left work at 5:00pm, got home at 5:20pm. Brought a lot of vegetables with me and some chicken breast. I make up a vegetable soup for dinner, with enough to last me the rest of the week, plus a little more. I take a portion of the vegetable soup and add a roux (thickener) and the chicken breast. I’ll have this for a change, once in a while for variety, during the following week. I freeze what I’m not using for this week. I have a bowl of the vegetable soup (14 different vegetables and beans) and a cup of milk. I happen to like milk. I’m trying to bring my calorie count down. I watch the evening BBC World news, and turn off the TV, read one of my favorite books. I take twenty minutes and try to get back into a quiet meditation. Then I do another twenty minutes of exercises while listening to one of my favorite CDs. I set up the laptop to type the rest of this blog, but for some reason, I cannot get a connection. After trying for half an hour I give up and decide to go to bed.

I won’t be as detailed in my follow-ups on my change. Today I was trying to see how much productive and informative work and information I could achieve in a normal day. I will add and subtract as I go along. I do enjoy watching the travel logs on PBS. Since I can’t get there in real life right now, it allows me to be educated, entertained and gives me a broader sense of understanding of the world we’re living in now. Something to look forward to if I eventually get the time to travel. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but you have to find out what you like and what works for you. I’m only trying to put those things in my life that resonate with me and make me feel alive.

You should too.

Circular Logic
March 7, 2011

I feel a need to change.  I’ve been putting ‘my things to do list’ on the back burner, for far too long.

I do not like how my body looks. I need to exercise. I don’t like how I govern a lot of my time. Much is wasted. I’m going to change. I’m finally going to do it.

Our lives revolve around cycles. I never realized it before, but we take our cycles in life and use it as a derivative from our thinking. No wonder we can’t get out from under the weight of our own thoughts. We really are trapped. We keep proving to ourselves our thinking is perfect. By acknowledging our repetitiveness, we justify our lives.

Lets look at a general scenario.

We wake up. Usually our first movement is a trip to the bathroom. From there it can be a trip to the kitchen for a cup of our favorite beverage, then maybe the TV or computer or both and then a clean-up, before we head off to our work. We get into some form of transportation, reach work and begin our job. Intermittent breaks, lunch and then we head home again. TV or computer again, maybe dinner, or an outing and, if not, then home and bed. Repeat if necessary.

During what time in this scenario, did you think outside the pre-programming and make a conscious effort to think about change? If we even consider the possibility of change, we usually do it on weekends when we have less work time and more down time.

I don’t want to keep justifying my non-committal formula as my daily excuse. I’m hoping by stating my intent publicly, I will have no way out. I’ll have to put my actions  instead of my verbalization into reality.

I’ve taken ‘before’ pictures and I’ll keep you posted with updates and ‘after’ pictures. 

Who’s with me?

“You Can’t Say That”
March 5, 2011

“Even though it’s the truth”.  That’s what a friend said to me tonight. Why do we hide the truth from our loved ones and others? What do we fear? Non acceptance or rejection?


And that’s the problem. We think we know what others will think and what they will respond to, but do we really know?


And you know why? It’s because  we never say what it is, that is on our mind.

The beauty of love is,  if you love, there are no barriers. Just understanding and acceptance.

How Are You Feeling?
March 4, 2011

What’s wrong. Feeling down. Life not making sense? Want a solution?

Love yourself, especially if no one will do it for you. Think about what a great person you are. How hard you try. How much you care.

Then,…… go to bed.

Need Energy?
March 4, 2011

Sometimes our own energy isn’t enough. We haven’t channeled enough source to lift us to where we want to be. There is a remedy.

Give a little love to those around you. Promise them your gift of giving if you win.

And watch you soar!

I’ve Been Robbed!
March 4, 2011

These are not the words you want to have running through your mind when you have three breaths left in your life.

He’s a multimillionaire and he is ill. He has a set of doctors and he is not getting any better, health wise. As a matter of fact, his doctor’s prescriptions have made his illness worse. It is suggested that he get a second or third opinion. His response is, that it will cost five or ten thousand dollars. He will leave it to the doctors he has. He passes away. And so does his money. It falls into the hands of his last remaining family sibling.

She inherits millions. When she talks to you, everything verbally comes from a place called ‘poor’. “She can’t afford this, she can’t afford that”. “It costs too much”. She has walls of steel around her that Fort Knox would envy.

There is an eighth of a pat of butter on her plate. She takes the corner tip of butter, leaving the rest, and spreads it on a half piece of bread. She’s thin, frail and under weight.

He’s in his apartment. He’s bored. Outside is the ocean, half a block away.

Each day we rob ourselves of simple pleasures, for one reason or another. Sometimes we rob ourselves of meaningful experiences. We have this excuse and that excuse.

It is up to us to fill the gaps in our lives that allow us to experience life to the fullest.

March 2, 2011

At some point in our lives we reach a peak. Energy wise we are at the top of our game. There is just enough tension to keep our success in place and prevent it from becoming a failure. Then, something happens. Through circumstances we cause, there is a collapse. All of the excitement we fed off of, through our success, turns to failure.

Recently, and in the not too distant past, it has happened, and is happening to celebrities like Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, John Galliano, Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, Robert Downey Jr., Bernard Madoff and others.  Some time ago, it also happened to me.

We gathered a lot of respect on the success ladder. People who cared for us helped our energy rise and they were behind us with our success. They cheered us on and our energy rose. That energy gathered more of its same kind and multiplied until there was a strong force generating around us. We were loved.

I don’t know why we do it. Maybe we need freedom on some level, but we do it. We take steps that cause us to lose everything we ever built in our world. Sometimes it’s conscious, sometimes, unconscious. Different needs of power, freedom, greed, or any other traits we can muster are used to bring ourselves down.

The graceless fall comes quickly and hard. Like a tsunami, that built up energy, turns on us. And as long as it took to build, it seems like only seconds when everything is washed away in a torrent of fears and guilt.

After the flood, sooner or later, you gain an unstable footing. But, at least you get to stand. You begin your recovery. With all the gusto of your past successes, you sink all of your efforts and energy back into recovery and a new success. In your mind you imagine it taking only half the time of your previous success. Afterall, you’ve been there before, you know the game, the rules and how to save time. But something has changed.

Your initial success was with new energy. Raw, fearless, exciting energy. Your energy now is tarnished, burnt and lies under a burden. Not only that, but all the good energy you had before has changed in flavor. The people who supported you before have changed their opinion of you. Their energy towards you is negative. This negative energy gathers more of its same kind. And, it multiplies.

Eventually, people forget the worst about you and their negative energy dissipates, and becomes less burdensome. As you struggle to lift the weight of failure off your back, you find it won’t let you. As Tiger Woods is now, without a tournament win, since his fall, so it goes. It takes many years, a lot of faith, steadfastness, and most of all, a lot of love, to overcome the wrongness you feel.

Only through total awareness and love do you break this chain.

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