Archive for October, 2010

Paul
October 27, 2010

 The Beginning – Part One of Three

Paul was a dichotomy. As in dark versus light. And so, in accordance, he ruled his life.

Some background:

Paul was a handsome man with a large stature  and a great smile. He was  loquacious and had the chutzpah to carry himself well in public. He had his masters degrees in music, piano and architecture from Florida, and had moved from Washington state, to Los Angeles, where he was hired to teach. He was in his mid thirties when I met him in the mid eighties, and he was looking for a roommate. He lived in Northridge and taught architecture at CSUN. He was born on a train in Mobile, Alabama and we lived together for two and a half years. When I met him I didn’t know that what I was seeing with Paul, was a pattern he had layed out many times before.

The bright side of Paul:

Meet someone you think you could live with that was amiable, that you could get along with, share expenses,  and project yourself as in control of your life and all things within your domain. Happy, full of life, personable, disciplined and responsible.

The dark side of Paul:

Project yourself as straight and under no circumstances let anyone know you are gay. If you have a partner they will be known to anyone and everyone as ‘your roommate’. You may lead the person you are with, to believe that you are in a relationship, but the only true relationship you will ever have will be with yourself. That relationship will consist of denial, guilt, pain and non-acceptance of any of your hidden secrets, at whatever cost, to them or yourself.

We met at Rage in West Hollywood. It was a Sunday afternoon and I was with a few of my friends. It was happy hour and I was happy. Paul came in and ordered a drink at the bar. We all noticed him because he was handsome, he had a happy personality with the bartender, his smile, and then finally, the attention he was giving our group. We invited him to join us and he did. Paul told us he had made a previous engagement, so he couldn’t stay long. We ended up chatting with him for about two hours. By the end of our time together, he took my number and vice versa. He needed a roommate and he gave details. He said he would call during the next week.

I was living in the mid Wilshire area at the time . Third and Vermont to be exact. When someone asked where I lived I always said “I lived in high crime”. There were always helicopters overhead every night and lots of sirens and, the occasional gunshots to be heard. My roommate at the time had been creating lots of problems for me and even though Northridge seemed like the other end of the earth, I was considering the move. It would be a lot further from work, which presently was a short fifteen minute walk. I was looking for a change and something different. To me, at the time, it felt like I’d been moving up in the world.

Paul and I communicated over the next couple of weeks. It began as a date. He arrived almost two hours late with the presumed slew of excuses. But he was handsome. The roasted chicken ended up being over-cooked by the time he ate it, and he left for something much more important shortly afterwards. Probably someone waiting in his car.

Days later, we met again under more favorable circumstances and we actually spent some quality time talking and getting to know each other. It ended up with us having sex. It was the one and only time we ever had sex. Paul invited me out to Northridge the next weekend to spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I could see his place and make a decision if I wanted to move there.

When I arrived Friday after work, Paul was in the kitchen making dinner. He gave me a tour of the apartment and complex, which somehow reminded me of a two storey motel with a pool that wasn’t heated. But there was a pool. Something I didn’t have now. He went back to preparing dinner for me, but accidentally cut himself with the knife he was using. The next four hours were spent in emergency while he got stitches. I remember him telling the doctor to make the stitches small and as invisible as possible. His reasoning to the doctor was because his hands were in public all the time. Paul said he was a concert pianist. I thought it quite strange at the time. If it had been me I would have said, “sew me up”. What was the deal anyways? It’s stitches.

We ended up eating junk food on the way home from the hospital because of the amount of time it took in emergency. We went to bed for the evening and I spent the next two days getting to know him better and some of his interests. Before I left, I had committed myself to moving to Northridge.

Intrusion
October 24, 2010

We all use this act. Consciously and sub consciously.  Because of our life experiences we assume we have the answer to people’s so-called problems and we can somehow miraculously help them. We want to change them to become more like ourselves and how we believe things should be.

The prime directive in Star trek was basically ‘no interference’. How are we to assume we know what is right or not right for a person? Because people are their own entity we are not to assume we know what they need in their soul’s growth. Every journey taken by every soul needs the nourishment that is right for its own progression. If we didn’t have the trials of life presented to us on a daily basis, how are we expected to grow emotionally, or even spiritually? Needless to say, we interfere, either en mass or individually.

Modern day political correctness calls this ‘an intervention’. It’s when we as a person, or a group get together with a single purpose in mind. Then, we impose our desires upon another. All for the purpose of ‘correction’. We mean well, and our premise is to help, but the outcomes vary.

On the sub conscious level, our thoughts are powerful. More so than we know. We are bombarded on a daily basis from unseen forces that influence our every decision. Fortunately, we tend to link up with those thought suggestions that are in line with our own thinking processes. However, these thought forces reinforce our existing life styles and patterns. If our patterns are the ones that need changing, it can be very difficult to ‘break free’ and change. Hence, people try to change them for us.

Even walking down a supermarket aisle, we can be influenced to purchase an item if we happen to tune into someones previous thought on an item. It’s how modern-day advertising gets it’s strength. If the thought is constantly produced and reinforced time after time, people become subjected to it whether or not they want to. When the item presents itself, it usually is purchased. Lets hope they don’t find the method to fill the airwaves with thought patterns. We have no protection from these forces, unless you’re highly enlightened or your vibration level is sufficient enough to resist the pattern.

At this point, I want to offer my sincerest apology for my conscious and unconscious thoughts that may have inadvertently affected someones rightful process to be who they want to be and who they are.

Tired?
October 21, 2010

Yes.

Running against time, money, commitments, other people’s expectations, duties and pressures?

Yes.

What to do?

Don’t ask me, I just work here.

Insecurity
October 20, 2010

We all have insecurity from time to time. No matter how confident we portray ourselves, there is always that part of us that feels ‘ a little scared’. Not knowing the outcome gives us this subtle fear.

I was up at 2:00am this morning. Not on purpose. I meant to get up at 3:30am, but the rain woke me. Since I was awake I thought I would take advantage of the extra bit of wake-up time. I made coffee, watched a little TV, showered and headed out. It was still raining. Driving alone in the rain in pitch blackness has never been one of my favorite ‘to do’ things. I felt alone and wished for someone to be there with me. I wanted some reassurance and comfort that everything would be ‘alright’. Well, it’s not going to happen, I thought, so get over it. I drove downtown to my destination, the flower mart. There was a bee hive of activity. I immediately felt better. People everywhere and lots of commotion.

Being alone has never bothered me. As a matter of fact, I enjoy the feeling. So why was it, I felt so insecure? I am full of apprehension and I feel pressure to perform beyond my own expectations. That, was my answer to myself. I took a deep breath and started down my list of items to purchase. The more I placed my focus into the job at hand, the more the insecure feelings subsided. I’m sure these same feelings permeate any and everyone for different reasons. Ranging from a job interview, to talking to someone you don’t know, to going to war.

The key to alleviating the insecure feelings is to focus, as much as possible, on what you have to accomplish. At that moment.

As Ram Dass would say; “Be Here Now”.

“ers” and “ees”
October 19, 2010

Huggers, Huggees, Cuddlers, Cuddlees, Snugglers, Snugglees.

We’ve all been on the giving and receiving end of surrender and encasement. A true hug drops all barriers. They melt and fall to the floor like a discarded ego. You’re exposed as yourself. Simple, pure and loving. You’re both giving and receiving at the same time.

These are some of the best feelings alive.

Be an ‘er’ or ‘ee’ today.

Priorities
October 16, 2010

 

I’m sitting at Burger King sipping on a milk, waiting for the oil change and tire rotation on the car. Just watching the cornucopia of people come in and out  and their momentary life priorities. The moments I’m watching presently constitute numerous examples. The girl with long flowing black hair has a hair brush in her back pocket that is larger than the cheeks of her butt. Her boyfriend mimics the Lakers dress code. His shorts are resting under his butt, and there is full exposure of his underwear. The young man wearing dark sunglasses with blocked out sides and the rocker T-shirt walks across the room with a cool, hip saunter. There’s a small lady that’s been back and forth from a car in the parking lot four times. She’s trying to get an order changed, while trying to please the person waiting impatiently. He finally enters the store, and dumps the contents of the bag on the counter, only to find out that it was correct after all. He leaves unsure, the small lady in tow, still trying to please. The large lady only ordered a small quantity on her first trip to the counter. She did the same ordering on her second and third trips to the counter.

I have many friends who have health issues and their daily occupation rests with decisions on how to stay alive. Others I know are consumed by work, family, money, politics, religion, security and survival. Endless amounts of energy by everyone on the planet for these purposes.

Priorities are based on choices in our lives. And on the amount of love we’re missing in some part of our being. By choosing a priority in the moment it allows us to fill a need. A temporary accomplishment that will make us feel good, in the daily struggle. 

Time governs what are our most important priorities and love governs the rest.

Canadian Thanksgiving
October 13, 2010

In America its Columbus Day. In Canada it’s Thanksgiving. A little earlier than in America, but the growing season is much shorter in the north and if they waited till the end of November, everything would be frozen.

I miss the celebration of family. In earlier years I took it for granted, and now that I’m older, it’s an impossibility. Our parents have passed away and emotionally, life has driven the family into unchangeable cubicles of assorted beliefs.

Mom was a great cook. I’ve never been able to cook like my mom. Maybe I came close a few times, but her energy and love were different and whatever vibration she transferred to the food always created a different taste and feel to mine. Maybe that part stemmed from her youth. She was raised by her aunt. Aunt Bertha. Also known as Aunt B or Auntie B. From stories and my recollection, a severe person. Demanding in every aspect from obedience to cleanliness to perfection. Maybe it was that upbringing that made Mom so demanding on us kids.

When Mom was a small child, her father held her upside down, outside a seven story window and threatened to drop her. Details are sketchy to say the least, because no one ever talked about the incident.We were all told as children that Mom’s parents were killed in a car accident. It wasn’t until I applied for my green card that the history came out into the open. It’s still unknown what happened to Mom’s mother and her father’s relationship. What is known for sure, is that Mom’s mother took Mom to Hamilton from Chicago, to be raised by Auntie B.

My only memories of Auntie Ber were vague, and what I know of her were incidents revealed to me later in life. Mom and Dad had moved to Edmonton to get away from Aunt B and begin a new life. Aunt B used to park outside their apartment every night after they were married and would stalk them on a regular basis. When I was two or three years old, Aunt B came to Edmonton for a visit. There was only my brother and myself as family at the time. During that time, Mom and Dad took a weekend getaway and Aunt B said she would look after us kids for the two days. Aunt B did not like me. Maybe with my dark hair and whatever personality I revealed at the time, I might have reminded her of my mother. When my parents arrived back from their holiday, they found my brother had been decked out in all new clothes. I, on the other hand, had the same clothes on that I’d been dressed in when they had left. Aunt B hadn’t even changed my diaper. We never ever saw Aunt B again after that incident, and I really can’t remember what ever happened to her. But, I digress.

Fond memories arise when I think of Mom’s food. I know that when I’d been away for any length of time, upon my return, she always cooked my favorite meal. I looked forward to it. And I remember so well, her Thanksgiving meal was always outstanding. She would begin days before, and start with the shopping and preparations. She gave endless attention to every last detail. The day of the feast she would get up early, make the dressing, and then stuff the bird. While it was cooking she’d prepare wonderful accompaniments. And, I remember, when I was younger, she even made all her own pies. Finally when everything was cooked and ready, all nine of us would sit down, say Grace and start in with warm glee. Until that is, someone started a fight. Eventually, Dad would step in and calm the waters of discontent and we’d all have dessert.

As I think back, I’m so grateful for the memories. Even though, I can never be part of those past events again, I’d give anything to sit through one of those childhood fights, just to be able to taste Mom’s food again.

It’s GREAT to be Alive!
October 8, 2010

When is the last time you woke up in the morning and felt like saying that expression? When is it that you woke up with a smile on your face? What would it take for that to happen to you again?

Do it!

Crosswalk
October 8, 2010

I’m on my way to work and I see people crossing the street on a cross walk. They’re about halfway across the street. I come to a stop and notice the speeding car behind me. He manages to stop with screeching tires. He barely misses the back-end of my car. The pedestrians finish crossing the street and I pull away from the cross walk. Not fast enough for the car behind me, he pulls into the next lane and speeds past me. As he passes, I look at the back of his car and the trunk has signs of a previous accident. The trunk has been pushed half way to the rear seat.

There was a lesson here, but did the driver behind me learn it?

No.

Why?

He’s probably been rewarded by insurance to cover costs and damage. The responsibility rested with someone else. Not taking heed that he could be the receiver next time, he merrily speeds on his way. Did he miss the wake-up call? Yes.

Do we learn from mistakes?

Not always.

What Did We Learn Yesterday?
October 7, 2010

And what will we learn today? Do you make a conscious effort to learn each day or are you on ‘I’m just existing mode’? A lot of our life lessons happen randomly, or so we think. Our best learning comes from when we are young or when the emotions are involved. The Franciscan Friars use to say, “Give be a child until they’re seven. You can take them back after that, but you will never be able to change their core beliefs afterwards”. This is probably the main reason humans as a race have taken so long to progress. If you happened to be born into a crappy family, you learn crappy ideas and perpetuate these through your life. You then have your own family and send the same message to your siblings. Sometimes, one or more will rise up and overcome the tribal beliefs of the family and start a new chain reaction.  That makes for a totally different route and the status quo is forever changed. Hooray! The same reasoning can apply if you are born into a great family. These ‘lucky ones’ seem to fare better in the way that society has been structured. It is in all of us though, to be equal with everyone else. We shouldn’t separate ourselves by seeing others as better or less. All their potential is in each of us, if we want to learn, and use what we see.

I remember when I first met Eberhard and he was trying to teach me Quickbooks. I would come home at nights and my head would actually hurt. For some reason I could not join the dots in the reasoning and have it make sense to me. For me they should have named it ‘Slowbooks’. Part of my problem was the fact that I have the other type of brain that does not comprehend scientific or mathematical jargon. What made this process work was that he was a great teacher and he was very persistent. He made sure I understood what he was showing and teaching me. Now, Quickbooks is just an everyday occurrence and I don’t even think about it. I’m just glad I have the knowledge.

What happens to all the knowledge that everyone learns? A lot of it disappears as we age and grow old. Its our youth that get to carry on the learning process. They have the privilege of adding the latest knowledge to their repertoire, and so, the process is forever repeated.

Our societal learning is structured. We’re encapsulated into a group and forced to learn ‘the box of knowledge’ that has been prepared for us. There is not a lot of free thinking going on overall. There are very few leaders and far too many followers. That’s why we honor those with exceptional abilities in different fields of knowledge. Part of the reason for teaching society as a whole, in group form, is control. If everyone were allowed to think freely, without an education system in place, I’m sure you’d see a totally different world.

The best thing we can do, day-to-day, is to try something new and step out of our comfort zones. There are endless opportunities presented to each of us. Here’s an example: Take someone close to you, a husband, wife, lover, friend or acquaintance and totally possess them with your undivided attention for a few minutes.

Share just one intense moment. You’ll get so much knowledge, you’ll wonder why you never thought of it before.

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